TW: this is very depressing. if anyone is reading this, it's just very pathetic and touches on my mental health rn and some bad habits ive fallen into. sorry friends, but time will heal. i am also here to chat if u relate at all, but i hope no one ever does...
It's a sad thing for the start of these entries to be so depressing! But tbh no ones gna read this anyways? so whatever. I didn't sleep AGAIN.. a bad habit I've fallen into this past quarter. i don't deprive myself of sleep so that i can be productive or do anything beneficial to my life whatsoever... it's quite peaceful at tiimes, but other nights it's very depressing. the last time i stayed awake,i stared at the ceiling, listening to music, thinking about the future in a very good and happy way. i listened to spanish rock, i thought about all the ways i'd reconnect with the music world... how i'd make myself do artsy things again and pour into GOOD HABITS! last night was not like that at all... i spent yesterday, the 10th, at my friends house. i cancelled on a friends party... i'm sick... i didn't have the energy to socialize with a bunch of souls that i can't even truly tell for sure whether or not they like me most days. i had a plan to wake up early that Sunday. I was going to eat breakfast for the first time in MONTHS. from there, id be a busy bee getting a headstart on my finals, doing readings for the week, preparing for research presentations comming up, all the jazz that comes from this busy life ive chosen for myself.. i woke up at 2pm. its fine though becase i spent the day w my friends and we ate and laughed and gossipped and shared vulnerable things and cried.. i havent cried in front of people in a minute... i think my record has been this past quarter.. so 2 times now. embarrassing, but also needed. ive cried a lot this quarter. this time of year brings up a lot of emotions... it always has.
something very integral to who i am today is my childhood best friend! what an angel she was. she passed away in the springtime during HS... this was the msot secure and meaningful friendship of my life. i miss you a lot sweetheart... during this time i also lost another friend during my second year of college... but shes still alive and is currently abroad. i miss her at times... she was like a sister... she listened at any given time.. she lsitened so well and she helped so much, until she didnt. this one i dont miss as much. i hope shes doing well though. spring time / now spring QUARTER is a scary time for me.. my anxiety gets worse, and its really why i havent been sleeping. its 6am rn and im just not going to sleep, im gna try to have a productive day!! but i have the worst anxiety that i will miss my alarms and cause chaos at home bc ive woken everyone else up and then miss the rest of my day and fail my classes and the people i promise id be there for... so its easier to not sleep.. to not lose time... to make sure im awake for the sunrise. i also have fallen into a really bad cycle of anxious falsehoods? sigh, i know what some folks would categorize this as, btu im avoiding the label... i keep convincing myself that if i fall asleep, i will wake up to the same scenario from HS: Dear Sentimentalaholic, XYZ has passed away and im really fucking scared now. I've been missing my family a lot back at home and my friends and all of these thougths mixed together don't help lol... i dont know what to do with these things, but yeah. it feels nice to write it out and have it here.. like its in a corner of the internet that like no one knows about osrs and even then like who GAF.
that's another thing that these late nights have convinced me of... i have NO ONE.. which isnt true. i hungout with 2 friends today who love me very much and called for 3 hours with another friend who loves me very much... and i spoke to my best friend from home over text just thirty minutes ago.. and i love all of these friends so fucking much too, so duh i have people.. but idk. i think about certain dynamics i wish i had and the fact that i do not have them makes me sad. my best friend from home is physically distanced from me... my best friend ever is dead... so do that math lol... my family is far from me... everyone is busy... i dont want to burden anyone with these thoughts... i just often feel like im one of these lines of code in a file... just one of many and used for one function and like idfk tbh with you... idk what to do with this jsut yet. i feel like the msot secure friendships i have are so far from me and that this college environment is so temporary rn. i have frens, but theyre unavailable? so these bursts of joy are so rare. but idk tbh... it also doesnt help that im having some minor issues w some connections i hold close to my heart, so all of this is like heightening things haha.
recently, ive been getting a lot of depressing media on my feed. ive engaged with some,,,, so ofc more is on my feed. this is why im writing this rn actually! i was on tik tok and was going through a very depressing comment section. it reminded me of the intense emotions i felt when i was 16 and my best friend killed herself. i was so depressed and so lonely and was still expected at everything i committed myself to! school, orchestra, family, other friends, clubs, etc. many of the people on the comment section were so sad and at a loss of hope. i found myself relating to them... a lot of them detialed many things that i used to do as a kid/up until last autumn. i think today was the closest i ever came to falling into these bad habits since last autumn. it makes me very sad to admit that and it makes me feel like much of the progress ive made is no longer valid, but that is NOT TRUE! i do think that social media is a very sad place tho.. and algorithims and tech seek to make us sad so we keep engaging with and relying on it. i put my phone down and came here to write. this feels nice and i will use this more often.
THIS IS SO SAD, but i need to not feel guilty about that actually bc this is just how it goes. the other day, my friend psychoanalyzed me... he told me to take up space and to not treat myself likei dont matter.. which oK GAG lol... but yeah idk how to feel about that one. these feelings are real tho and i know i desrve to hold them somewhere other than my brain. this is also jsut a bunch of BS too that like ive been holding onto for a long time.... one day i will take a brave step and accept help from a therapist, but i am not there just yet. SO TY HTML and this corner of the internet mueheheh.
iM FINE ALSO? i was just very sad. i will be fine in the upcoming days. i will try to sleep. This is how i been feelin:
BUT ON A LIGHTER NOTE! HTML is getting easier.. i am making progress on this site!!! many things to be happy about. it is supposed to be a nice day today. i will be so kind to myself and touch grass and sit in the sun and wear something that makes me happy and feed myself. i deserve that much from myself. some silly things too: i recently got a cd player with a working radio which is really aweomse. my roomate + other friends have reminded me of the joys of physical media and after a long chat with my awesome dad, he reminded me of his CD collection and just proved how awesome CD's are and he just hates tech and his phone and spotify / apple music / streaming things on screens. so im happy i got this cd player and i am looking forward to seeing my papa again soon and my mama. i miss my family a lot. i will see them soon and thats keeping me from crashing out ₊˚⊹♡!!!
